Wal- Mart and the American Dream

     Black Friday is all about savings, and you can't beat going to the zoo for free.

      Zoos are interesting because you get to see animals you wouldn't normally see. Black Friday is interesting because you get to see humans act like animals. 


     On our way home from visiting family on Thanksgiving (ps have you ever had deep fried turkey? AMAZING.), we passed the local Wal- Mart parking lot. Every single parking spot had a car in it. 


      In fact, every surrounding parking lot was full, too- but all those businesses were closed! These people were all going to the same store!


      Kim and I love people watching; we could do it all day. And we were just given the opportunity to watch all the craziest people in town fight over cheap merchandise. 


     It was as if Willy Wonka had created a People Factory and we had the Golden Ticket. 


     Kim and I don't do Black Friday; it's not our cup of tea. So this being our first Black Friday experience, we were blown away. 


     There were people everywhere. 


     I think they'd all lost the ability to smile. Maybe there was some sort of code against it amongst the Black Friday shoppers. Black Friday has a kind of dark, scary feeling, so that must be it. 


     From what I could gather, this is how Black Friday (from now on to be abbreviated BF, I'm already sick of typing it) works: Wal- Mart picks a bunch of merchandise and knocks the price down a good 30 cents or so. Then they put it all out on pallets, cover it in Saran Wrap, then wait until a special designated time for everybody to kill each other. 


     Survivors then trade in their dignity for items that weren't worth waiting six hours for.  


     You see, people claim their stuff. They stand for HOURS with their hands on an item, which I guess means they claimed it. You know, because touching something is like owning it. 


     Personally, I'd just lick the item I wanted and just walk away. It'll still be there when the sale starts six hours later, because I freakin licked it! 


     Did I mention I think BF shoppers have the mentality of toddlers?


     Anyway, sorry, sorry, I'm losing focus. We couldn't believe how many adults were standing around with their hands on items to "claim" them. As soon as the clock struck the magic time, they would then take their claimed item and purchase it. 

     If it's already claimed, can't they just like... take it? Can we skip the fiasco and just buy things? I mean really, will it make a difference what time they buy it? 


     Here's my favorite story of the night to illustrate this point:

     At 10 p.m., shoppers could finally purchase their claimed items. At 9:55, shoppers lost their patience and started grabbing things. A Wal- Mart manager climbed up on a pallet and started SCREAMING at people. I'm not kidding.  


     "EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!!" 


     That's some good old- fashioned customer service. We thought he was going to pull out a knife or something. He looked nuts. 


     If you look carefully, you can see him in the video. He's the guy in blue in the middle of the crowd. Unfortunately, our video camera couldn't catch the glory of the moment as we saw it. Watch it 50 or 60 times and you might catch a glimpse. 


     But really, think about it- is it so important that you get your item five minutes early? And is it that big of a deal to Wal- Mart that you don't get your item five minutes early? It's not going to hurt anything, I promise. 


     But BF is all for fun, right?


     I saw cops at the store. 


     They weren't shopping. They were standing post. I don't know if Wal- Mart called them in advance or if they just knew they should be there, but either way, it's time to put your thinking caps on:


     If you know you're going to need cops there, you should probably just stop doing Black Friday. 


     Really, people are too darn stupid to handle themselves in situations like these. Don't put your faith in humanity, because it's a wasted effort. We don't do well in crowds. 


     Now here's the part that bothers me most: this is the only stinkin thing this community has ever gathered for. 

     

     Criminals who've been deemed unfit for society have a better standard of living than many hard- working Americans. Three square meals a day, a gym, and an education is waiting for you in prison! 


     (And don't you dare use the argument "But you have your freedom!" Yes I do, and I'd rather work for my meals than get nasty prison food, but this is a whole different rant I'm not going to get into now.)
    
     There's a war going on that many Americans are morally opposed to. Politicians sit in their offices and send young people to die for their agendas.


     Isn't anybody else bothered that the people that declare war stay safe at home? 


     Everybody with the ability to think knows that public education isn't getting the attention it needs. Budget cuts are everywhere and we are willingly throwing away education to save money.  


     But hey, at least the NBA's back, right?


     We don't gather for the important stuff, we only gather to get stuff. 


     A round of applause for America, please. 


     So next time you get all amped up for a big sale and you camp out for six hours, think about more important causes you should be putting your efforts into.  


     Woah, Tucker, what have you done to change the world? Where have you gathered recently? 


     Wal- Mart, duh. Haven't you been paying attention? My job is to make fun of people. Now go find something more important to do while I check Facebook. IM me if we decide to gather for public education or whatever.