Wal- Mart and the American Dream

     Black Friday is all about savings, and you can't beat going to the zoo for free.

      Zoos are interesting because you get to see animals you wouldn't normally see. Black Friday is interesting because you get to see humans act like animals. 


     On our way home from visiting family on Thanksgiving (ps have you ever had deep fried turkey? AMAZING.), we passed the local Wal- Mart parking lot. Every single parking spot had a car in it. 


      In fact, every surrounding parking lot was full, too- but all those businesses were closed! These people were all going to the same store!


      Kim and I love people watching; we could do it all day. And we were just given the opportunity to watch all the craziest people in town fight over cheap merchandise. 


     It was as if Willy Wonka had created a People Factory and we had the Golden Ticket. 


     Kim and I don't do Black Friday; it's not our cup of tea. So this being our first Black Friday experience, we were blown away. 


     There were people everywhere. 


     I think they'd all lost the ability to smile. Maybe there was some sort of code against it amongst the Black Friday shoppers. Black Friday has a kind of dark, scary feeling, so that must be it. 


     From what I could gather, this is how Black Friday (from now on to be abbreviated BF, I'm already sick of typing it) works: Wal- Mart picks a bunch of merchandise and knocks the price down a good 30 cents or so. Then they put it all out on pallets, cover it in Saran Wrap, then wait until a special designated time for everybody to kill each other. 


     Survivors then trade in their dignity for items that weren't worth waiting six hours for.  


     You see, people claim their stuff. They stand for HOURS with their hands on an item, which I guess means they claimed it. You know, because touching something is like owning it. 


     Personally, I'd just lick the item I wanted and just walk away. It'll still be there when the sale starts six hours later, because I freakin licked it! 


     Did I mention I think BF shoppers have the mentality of toddlers?


     Anyway, sorry, sorry, I'm losing focus. We couldn't believe how many adults were standing around with their hands on items to "claim" them. As soon as the clock struck the magic time, they would then take their claimed item and purchase it. 

     If it's already claimed, can't they just like... take it? Can we skip the fiasco and just buy things? I mean really, will it make a difference what time they buy it? 


     Here's my favorite story of the night to illustrate this point:

     At 10 p.m., shoppers could finally purchase their claimed items. At 9:55, shoppers lost their patience and started grabbing things. A Wal- Mart manager climbed up on a pallet and started SCREAMING at people. I'm not kidding.  


     "EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!!" 


     That's some good old- fashioned customer service. We thought he was going to pull out a knife or something. He looked nuts. 


     If you look carefully, you can see him in the video. He's the guy in blue in the middle of the crowd. Unfortunately, our video camera couldn't catch the glory of the moment as we saw it. Watch it 50 or 60 times and you might catch a glimpse. 


     But really, think about it- is it so important that you get your item five minutes early? And is it that big of a deal to Wal- Mart that you don't get your item five minutes early? It's not going to hurt anything, I promise. 


     But BF is all for fun, right?


     I saw cops at the store. 


     They weren't shopping. They were standing post. I don't know if Wal- Mart called them in advance or if they just knew they should be there, but either way, it's time to put your thinking caps on:


     If you know you're going to need cops there, you should probably just stop doing Black Friday. 


     Really, people are too darn stupid to handle themselves in situations like these. Don't put your faith in humanity, because it's a wasted effort. We don't do well in crowds. 


     Now here's the part that bothers me most: this is the only stinkin thing this community has ever gathered for. 

     

     Criminals who've been deemed unfit for society have a better standard of living than many hard- working Americans. Three square meals a day, a gym, and an education is waiting for you in prison! 


     (And don't you dare use the argument "But you have your freedom!" Yes I do, and I'd rather work for my meals than get nasty prison food, but this is a whole different rant I'm not going to get into now.)
    
     There's a war going on that many Americans are morally opposed to. Politicians sit in their offices and send young people to die for their agendas.


     Isn't anybody else bothered that the people that declare war stay safe at home? 


     Everybody with the ability to think knows that public education isn't getting the attention it needs. Budget cuts are everywhere and we are willingly throwing away education to save money.  


     But hey, at least the NBA's back, right?


     We don't gather for the important stuff, we only gather to get stuff. 


     A round of applause for America, please. 


     So next time you get all amped up for a big sale and you camp out for six hours, think about more important causes you should be putting your efforts into.  


     Woah, Tucker, what have you done to change the world? Where have you gathered recently? 


     Wal- Mart, duh. Haven't you been paying attention? My job is to make fun of people. Now go find something more important to do while I check Facebook. IM me if we decide to gather for public education or whatever. 

"FM" Stands for "Fecal Matter"

Home- done recordings done the right way.

    "The radio sucks."

     This is one of my favorite statements. Unfortunately, it really annoys my wifey, who loves the radio. She often responds with, "You just say that because you feel like you have to," or something to that effect.

     Not at all. I really just hate the radio.

     People ask me all the time if I've heard that "new song on the radio." My answer is always "no." They look at me like I'm an alien, and then I look at them like they're an idiot. The radio is for sucks.

     Pop music is awful. It's not real. Good songs can be played on the radio. Sara Bareilles is a guilty pleasure of mine.
     

     But let's look at an example of radio vs. not: this very instant, I'm listening to Rise Against. Woah woah woah, don't get any crazy ideas, this album is from 2001.
     

     'The Unraveling' is Rise Against's best album. But you don't hear any of it on the radio. This is the Rise Against I know and love. I used to be front row, screaming face- to- face with Tim.

     The radio gods hate good music. When they think Rise Against, they supply us with this. Sigh... it's just not the same. So you radio listeners enjoy your version of Rise Against, and I'll enjoy mine. If only we could find a way to separate the tours...

     [Fun fact: I once shared the stage with the bald dude in video number two- back when he was in this way more awesome band. I blame the radio.]

     This is a topic that I wish I could spend more time on, but thanks to finals being on my heels like the hounds of hell after a milkbone, this is going to be short. Let's explore something beautiful.

     Local music.
     

     Underground music is honest. It's raw. There's no overproducing. The song is exactly what the artist wanted it to be, and it says what they want it to.

     Pop music is a media mess. Pop music isn't designed to do anything except make money. How? By taking advantage of you. They overproduce, underwrite, and use menial talent to trick you into thinking it's good.
     
     Here's a comparison: underground music is momma's home cooking. Pop music is McDonald's.

     Some people like McDonald's. Those people are too lazy to go anywhere else, and they get it because it's cheap. I've found that McDonald's lovers are also the same ones that love pop music. 


     Makes sense. Crap in your mouth, crap in your ears.

     You don't need fancy equipment to make good music. You just need people with a desire to create.

     Who needs a fancy executive, a manager, or contracts? How about three chords and an opinion? Good enough for me.

    

     I'm currently in the middle of recording a full- length album. We're doing it in a friend's basement. His name is Andy and he's going to school to learn how to record and all that jazz.

     Andy does a great job. He's producing this album exactly how I would want anybody to do it- simply let us do our thing, and offer suggestions along the way. He's extremely supportive and very talented with the whole process.

     This is completely independent- nobody's making us do it. We're definitely not making money doing it. We don't intend to. But we love our music and want it recorded- we want to share it with those around us.

     We want to share how we feel about the world. Isn't that what music is?

     "Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city. Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack, 'cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back..." - Ke$ha. McDonald's.

      Independent music has no rules or standards. Pop music has all kinds of rules it has to meet- it's censored for content. 


     Real music has never been about money. All the greatest musicians in the world would have continued to make music throughout their lives even if they never saw a dime for their work.

     Some still do. I've seen incredible musicians sleep on the floors of strangers' homes because they didn't have money for hotels while touring. That's rock'n'roll.

     It's amazing to me that an underground music scene even exists! On any given weekend, I can inform you of local shows. Local music is so beautiful! Consider this:

     Local music is a bunch of kids getting together to make and share music. No adults are telling them to do it. Nobody's telling them how to do it; they just figure it out! 


     In our local scene, we've got kids making venues, people promoting, recording, even making magazines! 


     The local music scene even has it's own journalism! That astounds me.

     All this because kids love honest music. 


     T- shirts are made, tours are booked, and artwork is made. I have a shoe box full of fliers for local shows.   

     If you can't hang out with a band before or after their concerts, they don't care about you. But they sure do care about your wallet. Don't worry, they do take American Express.

     So does McDonald's. 


     I can't tell you how many great friends I've made through the years in underground music. I've got journals packed with fun stories about my favorite bands- stories no pop artists would dare to reproduce. 


     Let's see U2 walk around town with their fans for hours on end before a show. It's not going to happen, because they know they're getting paid regardless of their fan interaction. The radio does all of that work for them.

     Like I said, I wish I had more time for this. Point is, try to turn off your radio. There's an unbelievable amount of good music out there, waiting for you to discover it. But the FM tuner will never let you near it; that thing is like a dementor for music. Sucks the soul right out of it.

     I haven't listened to the radio since... what, 2003? Something like that. And I couldn't be more proud.

Stay tuned for more information on the upcoming album. 

     

It's On Like Donkey Kong

     What is "it?" Getting in shape.
    
     I was in the best shape of my life just before a roadtrip a while ago. On that trip, my wife and I spent our days sitting in the car and eating junk food. This very quickly destroyed all my hard work of the months before. 


     I used to go to the gym three times a week. It was awesome. Then school started again and my studies took over my life. With the semester winding down, it's time to get back to my routine. 


     This morning, I went to the gym for the first time in weeks. Talk about pathetic. I worked even less than my old regimen, but that was enough to make me physically ill for about an hour after. 


      I guess I have some catching up to do. 


     And what's the worst part? When I'm exercising, I eat better because I don't want to undo all my hard work. But when I'm not exercising, somehow I justify eating every piece of candy and drinking every soda shoved in front of my face. Humans sure think strangely sometimes. 


      Alright, you're probably wondering what the point is. You don't care about me exercising. In fact, I'd prefer that you don't care about me running in place and lifting heavy objects for no apparent reason. It's just not interesting.


      I believe that our bodies teach us very important lessons about our spirits and minds. People need a healthy body, and that requires exercise. How can we exercise our minds and spirits? 


     Reading does for the mind what exercise does for the body, because it makes you think in creative ways- not only do you visualize what is being presented, but hopefully you use critical thinking when you read. Never take anything as a fact- analyze everything. It's good for you. 


     Don't eat any mental junk food. Think about the entertainment we mindlessly indulge in. Is this TV show or website doing anything to help you reach your life goals? Think about it. Don't waste time, because "it's on!" Time to get in shape!  


     And how about a healthy spirit? To start out- just be nice. Loving people is one of the greatest things you can do for your soul. And I'm not talking about being everybody's best friend (that'd be impressive though); just be nice to people. Everybody wants others to treat them well, so why not let it start with you? 



     I challenge you to walk around for a day and think about why every single person you see is just awesome. It can be hard sometimes, but I really believe that each person is amazing in at least one aspect of their lives. Try to see that. 


     Over the last few months, I've been burning myself out with school, so I need to get my mind back in shape. Sorry professors, cramming hasn't been exercising my mind how I'd like it to. I'm looking forward to the end of the semester so I can just relax with a good book and take it easy. 


     My wife calls me a pooper-scooper. I can be a real pain. So spiritually, "it" is also on. I really want to focus on contributing positively to the world around me. If you want to get spiritually ripped, put others before yourself in every way you can think of. It's tough, but what good exercise is ever easy?


    And finally: physically. Time to eat right and torture my body until those dang skinny pants fit right again. Just because I look like a weirdo doesn't mean I don't try to take care of myself. 


     It's on. Are you in?

Playing Into Her Heart

For my Media Writing class (the reason this blog exists), we wrote profiles about our classmates to get to know each other and to practice writing. It's weird to have somebody else write a small article about you; you never know how it may turn out. A classmate named Cole wrote this and he did a great job! Thanks Cole!

PLAYING INTO HER HEART 

Tucker is not only a dedicated student; he is also a big family man. While juggling family, school, work and being in a band, he manages to live a happy life with his wife. 

Just a few years ago as Tucker was graduating from High School his dream was to be the drummer for a band and travel the United States with the hopes of making it big. 

“I planned on being homeless at this age.” Tucker joked.

While on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Colorado, he decided that he wanted more out of life than just being in a band. 

After returning from his mission he started playing in a band, which is how he met his future wife, Kim. She was going to see them play with one of her friends and she asked who the drummer was. So, through that mutual friend, they went to a local pizza place on their first date. 

Kim said, “We talked for like two hours straight.” When asked if it was love at first sight, she said it was “the perfect connection.” When asked about his wife Tucker said “I married my best friend!” 

Tucker has been playing the drums since he was 10 years old. He has been playing in his current band for six months. He was asked to join the band after seeing him play for another band. Due to work and school, he has cut down his drumming from three hours a day, to two hours a week. 

“Now it’s more of a hobby, which is a good place for it,” Tucker said. 

Tucker and Kim used to live in another city and when Tucker was offered a job closer to home to help run a men’s clothing store, he and his wife took a gamble and quit their jobs and transferred schools. With both of them being originally from the same area, they are happy it has worked out.

Kim & Tucker

While Tucker and his band practice Kim likes to go along and watch. 

“I love to watch him play. Sometimes they will try to make me pay to go see him because they say I’m not part of the band. And I’m like, I’m married to the band,” Kim lovingly adds. 

Despite having a busy life Tucker always finds time to keep a journal, which he writes in every night. 

“I like to look back and see where I was a year ago and see how things have changed.” Tucker said. “It can be just a couple sentences or a whole page, just depends on the time I want to spend.” 

Tucker is currently going to college for a Communications degree in Journalism.

Pretty cool, huh? If you'd like to read more of Cole's writing, check out his blog!

Math and my Education: It Just Doesn't Add Up

I hate this.

Today’s blog is going to mix things up a little. As always, I’ll be stirring the pot, but today is a special Facebook Edition rant. Anybody who’s seen my Facebook page knows that I despise “useless math” with an unholy passion.

I will include quotes from friends to formulate my argument that will take the shape of a discussion. Names have been changed. Quotes will be edited to make the article flow. Friends will be color- coded for idea clarity.


No quotes will be altered in a way that would change the writer’s original meaning. Enjoy!

__________________________________________________________________________


FACEBOOK STATUS: After attending my first math class of the semester, I decided to make a list of things that make more sense than math: why people love pop music, whatever it is that makes the red man red, the word syudsjhdsjuey, and senseless murder.

CHARLES: “Math is more practical than people realize... usually because they go into a field that doesn't use it at all. Believe me; fractional-order calculus is pretty practical when it comes to control systems for electrical engineers.”

     I'm sure, but how many people do that? As a writer, math stopped being useful a long time ago- I seriously think all the math I need to know for my life was learned by the time I was 16.

GINA: “This is going to sound nerdy, but I disagree 100%. Math (science) and history are the foundations of the world. Caring about anything else without trying to understand its foundation is like memorizing a passage from the bible without caring who said it or why.

     I know this is preachy, but you can't progress without knowledge. It truly is power.”

JD: “But on this topic, math should NOT be a gen- ed requirement on the university level. I argue that the skills that ALL employers seek in their employees should be the only gen- ed required classes.

      More practical classes may include; time management, conflict resolution, and stress management. Science, History, and Math, as useful as they may be for people that study something related to those fields, are NOT necessary for all employees in any field to know.

      Many websites state what qualities employers are looking for: Research, computer, communication, multitasking, conflict resolution, leadership, planning, stress management, and people skills.

     With that in mind, general education requirements should be the skills that everyone generally needs.”

FACEBOOK STATUS: Today's objective in class: "Factor trinomials by grouping when the coefficient of the squared term is not 1." That sounds like something every college graduate needs to know to be successful.

      It's right up there with "Make balloon animals out of the entrails of a sedated water buffalo and when he comes to, use therapy to make the beast come to grips with the fact that if his parents hadn't ignored him as a calf he wouldn't be in this situation." Math is super useful.

CHARLES: “I could say the same thing about having to write a paper about Beowulf. How is some 1,000- year-old story supposed to relate to being a software engineer? The really sad thing here is that the math you're talking about (algebra) is hard for most Americans.”

      School does make us do lots of pointless stuff. I think all the "foundational" learning should be accomplished by the public education system- once we get to the university level, it should all be straight business.

       I'm not in college to make friends or learn how the world works; I'm here to (eventually) make more money. Everything else is a waste of time and I think schooling needs a major makeover.

      I vote no more group projects or classes unrelated to our majors/ careers

      The worst part is we PAY to do this stuff! *sigh*

FACEBOOK STATUS: Math syllabi should be considered legal prescriptions for uppers.

BILL: “I'm going to comment in an attempt to lay some wisdom on you. I agree that college takes money from people for skills they may not need but the incessant whining about math borders on childish behavior.

      High school did teach you how to factor trinomials somewhere around Algebra I and for certain in Algebra II. The whole point of these math courses is to learn the language of math. If you are not in a math- oriented field then it is as though you are learning Spanish and moving to Germany.

       Extending my language metaphor - no one likes to learn how to conjugate verbs or learn how to spell but reading a great book or writing an inspiring letter or talk is very satisfying. You’re dealing with basic math fundamentals that you will probably never use at higher levels that will then show you their value.”

      Saying you need math to appreciate it is like saying everybody should be required to take two years of textile studies. After all, in our society, we are clothed more often than we are solving math problems.

      Getting down to the abstract is useless for most of us and the same can be said of every discipline; whether it is math, english, history, astronomy, zoology, whatever. Basic knowledge is good, but once it is no longer practically applicable, it should not be required.

      The last several weeks of this class has been more like riddles than anything else. Sure, some say it teaches problem solving, but it is 2011! Grab a calculator, any electronic device will do, and problem solved!

FRED: “Universities have a job to provide a universal (well rounded) education. Trade schools do not force a person to take ‘useless’ classes. If one chooses a university for higher education, this referenced individual will need to work within a university's established parameters.”

      Should every individual be required to take two years worth of poetry? Oh noetry! (www.toothpastefordinner.com gets credit for that joke.) 


     Why don't we have poetry requirements? Because it is abstract and not useful.

      When I cannot be given a real- world application (according to MY lifestyle that I choose and therefore pay to go to school to learn more about) for certain aspects of math, it is a waste of time.

      Never in my career or my everyday life will factoring trinomials be of use.

     However, I will need to solve for x on occasion and I will also do a lot of measuring, finding area, and multiplication and division. You know, the basics. Stuff I learned before the university would accept me.

     The arguments presented to me about inapplicable math could be made about any subject, yet as we see, textile studies and poetry are not required of every student.

      I think “useless” classes (such as poetry) should be offered BUT optional to those of us who will not use them in our chosen disciplines. If I wanted to waste my time and money, I’d buy a cable package and watch Jersey Shore.

      We could at least have options for math! For example, I got to choose from several different history, language, or literature classes. But when it comes to math, there’s just the one route.

      I vote we split up the math classes into options such as: “Stuff you’ll use: the shortest math class ever taught” and “Vintage mathematics: what universities used to require before Tucker posted his very logical blog.”

      Some people need higher levels of math in school and their careers. I’m not one of them. Most of us aren’t grouped in with these special students, yet we are all required to drink the dregs of their bitter brew.

     Higher levels of mathematics are not necessary to thrive or survive in society. We could use riddles involving words and it’d be exactly the same as what I’ve been doing the last four months.

     People insist on higher level math as a requirement in universities because it is an educational tradition.

     Remember: how things are is not necessarily how things should be. I learned that in a class that I think should be required. It was called Contemporary Moral Problems. 


     In this class we would research and then discuss moral dilemmas such as abortion, war, punishment, and capitalism. We learned how to logically decide where we stand.

     But number riddles have always been more important than that kind of stuff anyway. “Who cares if thousands of young lives are extinguished in the name of unwarranted imperialism, do you have any idea what the factorization of 6m⁶n+11m⁵n²+3m⁴n³ is?! It’s the most useful thing I know- it’s my key to success!”

     That’s why universities have math requirements and not logic requirements, right?

This is the real answer to the question. 

San Dimas High School Football Rules!

     Hollywood loves the A- list jock stereotype. Athletes are given special privileges, fudged grades (in their favor, of course), and homework leniency. I used to think this was far- fetched, but in reality, it's not too far off. 


     A few semesters ago, a friend of mine died from an overdose, leaving behind a young wife and child. It was tragic and sickening to ponder. 


    When I received the shattering news, I began scheduling to attend his funeral.  My wife and I were in a Biology class together at the time.


    After class one day, a line formed to talk to the professor. When our turn came, we explained the circumstance and asked if there was any way we could make up for missing the next class. She gave a simple answer: no way, if you decide to miss class, that's your choice. 


    We walked away, dejected and frustrated. Behind us, we overheard the next proposal: an athlete had a game the same day as our funeral and would be missing class. The professor gladly told him what he needed to know for next class and reassured him he would not miss any attendance credit. 


     I do not respect this professor. 


     So back to the stereotype- athletes do receive preferential treatment. I have several professors who are very strict on attendance, but you will not lose attendance credit if your absence is related to a school sport. 


     I understand athletes are representing our school, blah, blah, blah... but honestly, I just don't care. If everybody else has to plan extracurricular activities around their work and school schedules, I think they can do the same. 


     Maybe they have to travel to the next game? I guess they could just leave after school like the rest of us do when we have to travel somewhere. Or they could lose attendance credit if they decide to leave sooner. 


     You know, like the rest of us do. 


     Even if something is "school sanctioned," it is still a choice. You don't have to be on a school team, so if you choose to wear the jersey, you choose to miss class. 


     I'm not anti- athletics, I just expect equal treatment for all students. 


     How's this for a solution: athletes must maintain certain GPAs to play. I say that if the rest of us can maintain the same academic standards, we should be allowed to miss class sans punishment. 


     Our athletes are representing the school, right? And that's why they get to miss class, I suppose. What about this- when they don't represent the school well, they lose credit. You can't miss on the basis of representing us and then misrepresent us! 


     Nobody beat me up, that's a joke. 


     There's gotta be a solution because it drives me nuts that I can't miss class without some sort of punishment, while an elite group of students is allowed to miss for their hobbies. I would love to skip class and go skateboarding, but I understand that attendance is part of my grade. 


     Here's the best solution of all- remove attendance credit. College is not about teaching discipline- it's about learning material. If I can pass an exam and prove I know the class material, it's nobody's business how I learn it. When we pay for our schooling, it should be up to us how we take advantage of it. 


     If somebody never goes to class and fails, that's their choice. I believe I could skip a handful of classes and still do just fine. But thanks to attendance credit, this isn't the case. 


     Maybe I'll sign up for a school sport so I can miss every now and then without losing credit. Then I'll be special. 



If you haven't seen Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, this is your next assignment. Just don't skip class to do it! 

“If You Can’t Say Somethin Nice…”

     You ever had a police officer come up to you and inspect your outfit? I have.

     When I was in high school, I looked like a weirdo, and people weren’t afraid to tell me. 

     I used to wear a punk rock jacket covered in studs, spikes, and band patches. I didn’t wear it for anybody else; I wore it because I liked the way it looked.


     Apparently the school cop thought it was dangerous. Watch out, I might throw my jacket at you!

     There used to be a time when skin- tight jeans made you a joke. You couldn’t buy these tight pants, you had to make them.  Skinny jeans are cool now, which is absurd, as they used to be an anti-fashion statement.

     Ever since I was young enough to talk my Mom into bad ideas, I’ve loved dying my hair. It’s been red, black, bleached, orange, and who knows how many shades between.

     One time I had a mohawk that was bleached on the sides and black in the middle. That took a lot of effort. Thanks, Mom!

     Are you getting the picture yet? I. Looked. Weird.

     How do I know I looked weird? It’s not because I wanted to look weird. I didn’t wake up and say, “I want to look like a freak today!” I knew I looked weird because people told me.

     How rude.

     Some people can’t keep their opinions to themselves. Those people are prats.

     Before my rant, I do have to add a disclaimer: I understand that people choose to look the way they do. If I wake up in the morning and put a dead skunk on my head, I have to accept the consequences that follow.

     Now that I’m older, things haven’t changed too much. In fact, age has brought a new playing field: facial hair. Somehow, people can assess personal worth from one's shaving habits.

     I’ve always dressed a little differently. And I’ve always heard how people feel about it. How would you feel if I told you what I thought?

     The comment I’ve heard most (directed towards myself and others) is, “You need to cut your hair.” Says who? Suddenly there’s a restriction on follicle length? Who determines how long is appropriate?

     Besides "appropriate" length, who cares?! What does hair say? Nothing. It’s hair. It grows. Let it do its thing. I know perfectly respectable people with long hair, and I know perfect degenerates with short (appropriate?) hair. 

     Interestingly enough, there's never a standard for what hair should look like; it's all arbitrary. Using measurable standards, please define what's okay and what isn't. You can't. You shouldn't.

     Usually, the hair topic is brought up by people who A) can’t comb their hair, or B) don’t have hair. I don’t know how many guys with a side part and rebellious cowlicks have told me I need a haircut. Get your hackles under control before you approach mine.  

     Clothes are the same way. Usually the people who tell me my clothes are “weird” look like their dead grandmothers dressed them. If you want to wear khakis and button-up shirts till the day you die, good for you. It’s not for me.

     Your clothes say something about you. My clothes and hairstyles are very thought out, and while it may not mean anything per se, it still means something to me. I want to look like me.

     So now the point of all this: who has the gumption to tell people how they should look? Let’s paint a scenario:

     There I stand, weird haircut and out- of- place clothes, minding my own business. Then some dude with dunlapped disease (his belly done lapped over his pants) and a monk’s haircut comes up to me and says, 

     “You need to cut your hair.” 

     What’s always happened in the past is I wonder, “Who are you to decide that for me?” and I ignore the comment. Let’s turn the tables. What if I respond?

     “You need to lose 30 pounds. You drop the weight and I’ll cut my hair.”

     Uh, oh! I think I crossed a line! But who crossed the line first? And why was mine so gosh darn inappropriate? Because what I said was offensive. Hm.

     It is rude to tell somebody they need to change their appearance. My hypothetical response here is just as rude as the initial approach, but in all honesty, it’s more reasonable: being fat is bad for you. Ask a doctor. 

Hair doesn't really do anything.

     There’s an exception to every rule. Your boss can tell you to get a haircut. If you don’t agree, you can find a new job. Your parents can tell you to dress differently. If you don’t like it, you can move out.  

     But if Random Joe ever tells my kids to cut their hair, we’ll put a dead fish in his car.

     Now I could go on for days on this subject. Here’s the short and simple: you keep your opinions about me to yourself, and I’ll return the favor.

     I don’t tell people they need to lose weight. I don’t tell them they need a better deodorant. I keep my opinions to myself because it’s the nice thing to do. Think what you want about me, just don’t say it to my face. If you do, I promise I can come up with something meaner to say.

     Get a haircut.  

 
Thumper's timeless advice.